Love is a tricky matter and most of us try to stick around as long as we possibly can. But, what exactly is the right time to leave a relationship if the hints of toxicity start piling up? A toxic relationship can be defined as one that’s charged with mental anguish or an extreme form of control done under the guise of love. A toxic partner uses your love for them as a ploy to change you in every way possible and can make the entire course of this relationship hellish.
So, would you be a selfish person for choosing your own mental well-being and security instead of withstanding someone’s antics? Is it bad that you simply ghosted your toxic ex after withstanding his/her toxicity for years? Here’s more on toxic relationships and why exactly you should be trying harder to find a happy conclusion for yourself;
Am I In A Toxic Relationship?
View Things From Someone Else’s Perspective
Nitpicking is one of our favorite hobbies as humans, and we tend to do a great job when it’s done from an outsider’s perspective. It’s easy to take a look at someone else’s life or relationship and point out everything that’s wrong with them. So, use this habit to your advantage and find out whether or not you’re actually in a toxic relationship.
You’ll have to clear out your mind from any of the previous thoughts because you can’t take a personalized approach to this. You cant be biased if you’re merely acting like a viewer who’s examining the trajectory of your relationship with a toxic person. Once you’re done it’s time no analyze whether or not you’ll let someone else stand your partner’s toxic antics or not.
For instance, people tend to give the best advice on relationships when something goes awry between a friend and her boyfriend, but always find reasons to not act upon that advice in personal situations. Leaning onto an omnipotent perspective allows you to see things for what they are. It can take a veil off those memories that have been clouded by blinded love and affection.
Compare The New “You” With The Old “You”
Dating or living with a toxic person can lead to so many changes in your life and personality. If you are truly doubtful about the toxic nature of that person take a step back to examine your own trajectory. Are there any noticeable changes in your personality or major life changes that you were coerced into making by that particular person? You can compare your life before and after you met “that” person to truly land on your final conclusion. Here are some questions worth asking;
- Do you tend to make lesser male acquaintances now because your partner minds it?
- Does your partner ever admit his mistakes or are you the one who’s always deeply apologetic?
- Do you feel more mentally drained and exhausted after entering a relationship with your partner?
- Have you stopped socializing with your friends and chosen to be secluded despite having a lively past?
- Do you meet your close relatives less often than you used to before?
- Do you have chronic stress or a physical ailment resulting from that?
- Are your anger issues truly unhinged as compared to the calm and collected person you used to be?
- Have you stopped expressing your views mid-conversation despite being rightfully self-opinionated in the past?
- Has being with your partner tarnished your previously optimistic view of love?
- Do you feel more helpless and alone despite being in a long-term relationship?
5 Reasons Why You Need To Get Out Of Your Toxic Relationship
You’re Worth Way More Than What’s Been Provided
Being with a toxic person could’ve affected your self-worth in the worst way possible. Someone who has that kind of power over you can make even the strongest-willed people believe that they are worth nothing. Breaking down someone else’s self-esteem can make them believe that they’ll never find love again after leaving their toxic ex. Believe in yourself, because you do deserve more than this toxic mess.
There are plenty of women and men out there that would truly appreciate you for the person you are despite your pessimistic view on things now. Apart from the wide dating pool, you must also consider the fact that you’re not the one who’s “damaged goods”. You’re worth every ounce of love you think you should be getting because love is never as painful as your toxic partner might be making you believe.
You’re Diminishing Your Chances Of Personal Growth
Have you not noticed that your professional or academic life has suddenly started declining? What could be a possible change in your personal life that has made this possible? Of course, it’s the fact that you are living and breathing in a toxic environment that’s dissolving all your chances of personal growth. Dating a toxic partner is extremely mentally draining. So, if you are not feeling your best mentally, emotionally, or physically how on earth would you ever muster the strength to ace your work projects.
A toxic relationship can also diminish personal growth. This is why previously cheerful individuals turn into bitter ones after living in an environment that starves them from affection. You cant really turn into a better you if the current you are latching onto someone who’s draining your life force. It’s impossible to work on yourself if you are too focused on reviving a broken record.
Its Can Affect Your Health In Every Way Possible
The stress of being with a toxic partner can be so draining that sooner or later it can turn into a disorder. The intensity of your partner’s toxic nature and your vulnerability as a person have a lot to do with this. People often develop ulcers from the extreme stress caused by a toxic relationship. Long-time exposure to a tragic situation like this can also cause mental ailments like; chronic depression, anxiety, extreme distress, as well as sleeping disorders.
Sooner Or Later, It’ll Take A Turn For The Worse
That’s the thing with a toxic relationship, it never gets worse before it gets better. Unless you or your partner seek counseling or really work on his/her issues, a toxic relationship can develop into something even more dangerous. A toxic relationship has a high chance of turning into an abusive one. Not that a lot of toxic relationships aren’t already emotionally abusive what we are referring to here is physical abuse or even something of sexual nature.
Leaving after witnessing the extremes is the right thing to do because your partner could be hitting you next after taking out some of his/her sweet anger on your kitchen crockery. Abusers always start their trajectory by being toxic towards a partner or two in the past. So, play a smarter move and separate yourself from the situation before it takes an even worse turn.
It Can Alter Your Personality And Bond With Others
Toxic partners are often very controlling. It can start with something as harmless as asking you to stop interacting with male friends and turn into something as horrendous as keeping tabs on every place you go to. Their stalker-ish tendencies seem valid to them and under the guise of love, their extreme jealousy can directly affect your life. For instance; your toxic partner can try to break your years-old friendship with someone just because they can’t process your affection for another person. He/she might emotionally manipulate you into cutting ties with the ones you love and affect your bonds with them.
Additionally, he/she can also try to alter the version of you, if you feel most comfortable with it. Some common antics would be; asking you to leave a job you love because he/she wants you to spend time with them, stopping you from socializing on the weekends just to diminish your chances of happiness, and not validating your choices by enforcing his own views on you, altering the way you dress publically or interact with others, etc.
Toxic Relationships: How Do I Break Things Off With My Partner?
Secure Your Finances
Breaking off ties with someone you so highly regard and consider intimate can be a tragic occasion. It is an occasion when you’ll be so focused on the emotional turmoil that you’d likely forget other aspects associated with that soon-to-be-broken relationship. As meaningless as it might seem to you right now your finances are going to matter a whole lot soon enough.
Securing your finances is a safety net that can help back you up in your emotionally and psychologically vulnerable state. Now’s the time to set the record, take your share and leave if you share some property with your toxic ex. You cant simply work with a toxic ex-friend on a business you both share. If the contract allows, give yourself the liberty to take your share and leave.
Remember, someone who couldn’t even be a positive influence personally will surely prove to be a toxic presence even as a business partner or colleague. If you both share a place, maintain a record of the things you purchased for the house. This way you can relocate those things after the breakup and avoid having further conflicts with that toxic individual.
A Safety Net Comes Handy
A safety net in this context could be a place to say, a shoulder to cry on, a source of income, etc. If you’re moving out of the house you once shared with the toxic person in question you’d probably want to move out after breaking things off. For instance; moving out of your toxic mother’s house after turning 18, etc. You can communicate your situation to a friend and stick around their apartment for the time being.
Just make sure that the toxic person you’re escaping from doesn’t have a hunch regarding this safety net because you don’t want them bothering you with their antics. The next step might be finding a job and putting your degree to use so start looking for local listings. Some people use the savings they’ve stashed earlier on for times like these. It might take you some time to properly stand on your feet as a newly independent person but planning everything really speeds up the process.
Create Some Distance
This particular tip is perfect for both pre and post-breakup periods. Once you have made up your mind to leave, the very first step you must stake is to start being a bit more distant. It’s just a way of preparing yourself for the long haul. If you’re willing to permanently vanish that one person from your life you should at least be prepared to withstand this minor distance before all that happens.
Try to find out ways to skip any interactions whether on the phone or one on one. It’s not hard finding excuses if you’re not housing with that person one can always blame the busyness on work or academic pressure.
If you’ve befriended someone that’s related to them; a sister of your partner, then it might be the time to break that tie. Consequently, you won’t come across any updates regarding that person via their friends or relative. Additionally, if you live in the same apartment building or neighborhood as them, this might be the time to move.
We’d also suggest unfollowing that toxic individual from any social media platform. You are nipping the bud from the root which is why you might not want to come across a picture they shared on Instagram and find yourself leaning towards them once again.
Talk To A Counselor
Separating yourself from a close relative, friend, or love interest is a big deal. It can be even harder for folks that are in a co-dependent relationship. Their emotionally dependent selves can never fathom the idea of living without a particular person no matter how toxic he/she proves himself to be. Talking to a counselor can ease up this whole process for you in two ways. Firstly, your interactive counseling sessions can help you view your toxic relationship with that particular person in a new light. Going over the entire timeline of your relationship with that person can make you realize why it is so necessary for you to break things off.
Additionally, your counselor can suggest additional therapy or counseling sessions to get rid of codependency in the long run. These sessions can help you adjust to the idea of a single or independent life and remove fears of loneliness. Some individuals tend to attend counseling after breaking things off just so they don’t fall back into their old habits or return to that toxic person yet again.
We all tend to procrastinate, some habitually, meanwhile others more commonly. Procrastination in the context of a breakup or creating boundaries can be seen as you, trying to skip over the hard part. How can you know whether or not you’re procrastinating in this case or not? It’s simple, just take a look at the past and calculate how many times you’ve purposely tried to delay a breakup. Sometimes you’re either thinking that it’s not the right time or occasion. Yet, when you find the right time, you’re worried that this might not be the right place. You are surely trying to avoid confrontation if you’ve come across a pattern of purposely orchestrated moves. If you are willing to break things off and have made up your mind, now’s the right time. Don’t push the idea to another day or date in the future as it’s simply your mind playing games on itself.
Positive Affirmations Can Change The Game
As you plan on finally escaping a toxic situation, random thoughts and overthinking can stop you from making the final move. Of course, you’ll be slightly or extremely emotionally invested in that one person your heart still might be against taking the final step. This is why it’s essential to affirm your initial belief.
Setting constant reminders for yourself during the day can be a great place to start. Jot down some kind words, optimistic reminders, and the reason why you’re choosing to separate yourself from that particular person. Place these positive affirmations in the places you come across the most; your work table, your Tv room, etc. Chant them to yourself and make them seem vocal instead of simply reading them. For instance; a positive affirmation like “you are enough” can serve as a great reminder of the fear of separation anxiety that is stopping you from breaking ties with your toxic sibling.
Prepare In Advance If There Are Children Involved
It’s extremely harder to let go if you and that particular person have a family of your own. Separation or divorce can take a huge toll on the kids you both share. This is why it would be understandable if you wish to stick around for the kid’s sake.
Yet, a toxic situation like this would never prove fruitful for your kids either. Thus you’ve got to take a leap of faith and try to remove the vulnerable ones from this toxic situation. To make sure that you don’t suffer much during custodial agreements, start communicating with a lawyer from the get-go.
You need legal guidance so you can know enough about how custodial matters operate and how you can make sure the court’s final decision reflects your wishes. You might want to share any instances of abuse or aggression carried out by your partner with your lawyer as well. A tell-all will surely help them orchestrate a better case for you before your partner gets served with legal notices.
Don’t Let Their Lackings Or Manipulative Tactics Fool You
When presented with the idea of separation or breaking off ties, a toxic person will always try to manipulate you. If they’ve been doing that to you for a while, they’ll know what would work for you. For instance; a toxic person can try to bring up their tragic past, lack of financial sustainability, or romantic past with them as an excuse for you to stick around with them. Toxic parents often use their parent cards as a ploy against their kids when they try to move away from them.
So, don’t let them fool you with those manipulative tactics. Despite asking you for forgiveness and appealing for you to stick around, they’ll renew their old ways later on. It’s simply a temporary response to make good use of your sensitive nature or vulnerable state. So, think things through and don’t let your heart get in the way of making the right decision.
Don’t Do Something That Would Hinder Your Closure
Some people tend to have regrets regarding the way they pursued a breakup or falling out. For instance; it can be quite possible that you feel awful later on just because you ghosted the other person and didn’t give them a reason. It’s not because of basic decency that you should be avoiding something like this. Instead, you should be doing this for yourself as you want to avoid any regrets in the future. Despite pretending to be stronger on the surface your heart still wishes to let the other person know how much discomfort they caused you. It’s highly unlikely that a toxic person would change or willingly apologize for what they did to you, but this will surely give you some closure.
How Do I Get Over My Toxic Ex?
Re-evaluate The Pros & Cons
Loneliness can be hard to survive especially when you’ve been intimate with someone for quite a while. While sleeping alone in your queen-sized bed without the companionship of another person, you’ll be bound to miss that old feeling of belongingness. Don’t let the cold winter slumber trick you into making a mistake. This is the time to make a mental checklist of all the reasons why holding on was never the right answer.
In short, you’ll be contrasting the reasons why you should or shouldn’t have remained with your toxic ex-partner. If a mental checklist seems tricky, grab a pen and paper then get to work. This is quite simply going to serve as a reminder of all those tumultuous scenarios your ex left you in. Of course, snuggling with him/her would be delightful on this breezy afternoon but surviving their egoistic tactics can be hellish. Until you find yourself returning to your senses and an emotionally grounded state, keep jotting down.
Avoid Lingering On For Your Own Good
Taking a look at their social media profiles can open a whole Pandora’s box of memories. You might think that you’ll be fine after taking a single peak at their relationship status or new profile picture but the conclusion would be quite the contrary. Soon you’ll find yourself leaning toward that person again and start taking a walk down memory lane. That’s the thing with emotional attachment, when old feelings start rejuvenating we always try to filter out the bad parts and focus more on the good ones.
What seems like a casual stalking session on Instagram can then turn into you fighting the urge to return their calls. So, do yourself a favor and don’t undo your hard work by lingering on bits and pieces of your life. It might be hard for you to throw away the memorial pieces, old gifts, and photographs. So, place all those memories in a box and hide them away in a corner of your apartment until you’re emotionally strong enough to go through that stuff again.
Accept Any Future Possibilities Of Happiness
Take your time to mourn the love you lost but don’t diminish your chances of finding it again. If you have a mental note of all the things you are supposed to avoid this time around you can find a love that will actually be worth the wait.
Talking Really Helps
Piling up your sorrows inside you and locking them away can be truly painful. Let your exhaustion and anger out through much-needed counseling. Go over every detail of your past if you really need to have some closure that way. You deserve timely help and finding another shoulder to lean on can make the process smoother. Find your loved ones and lean on them for emotional support for as long as the situation allows.
Even after verbally ending things, moving out of the house, or cutting off contact, you still might not be done with that person. It takes time to truly move on and forget your past. You cant jump from one person to another and start believing that you’ve moved on from that toxic individual who meant everything to you. You have got to take your sweet time to grieve and honor your past. So, if you wish to shed a few tears, allow yourself the opportunity to do so. Don’t push sorrow away because now’s the time to deal with it as later you’ll be moving on to better things. The grieving period is necessary after leaving a toxic relationship as it saves you from undoing your success and rejuvenating the relationship in a vulnerable state, weeks later.